By Dr. Greg Moody
Now we’re getting to the good stuff! In part 1 we delved into understanding conflict and why it occurs, and why we need conflict. Just as important was understanding the difference between conflict, violence, and abuse (bullying, etc.). Part 2 covered the critical ideas of the different types of conflict (so you can identify what’s happening), resolution vs. just de-escalation. In our final entry we are – literally – getting to the good part: Good Conflict!
GETTING TO GOOD CONFLICT
Remember we all have the tools to resolve conflict, but when emotions get high, when buttons get pushed, when there are Perception, Preference, Process, or Pressure issues (see Part 2), things break down. Let’s try to identify how to get to good conflict and real resolution!
FIRST: USE THE RIGHT TOOLS
(Even When You’re Mad)
There are five internal skills that are a prerequisite
to make conflict possible to resolve:
- Humility: “I could be You could be right. Let’s talk.” Hardest time to say this? Right in the middle of the fight. Do it anyway.
- Awareness: “I can see where I’m ” (Not that I’m wrong every time—but I can see it when I am.)
- Responsibility: “It bothers me when I make a mistake.” If it doesn’t bother you, you’ve got a bigger issue.
- Empathy: “It bothers me when I hurt you.” Be capable to hear their feelings even if you
- Reliability: “If I’m wrong, I’ll ” Simple, not always easy.
You don’t need the other person to have all five—you need you to have them. Start there.
SECOND: DON’T MIXING UP COMMUNICATION ISSUES AND SKILL DEFICITS
Watch out for communication challenges. An example of this could be someone with autism – they communicate differently (not wrong but different). Others lack the actual reasoning skills. Some examples of this could be someone with a personality disorder (or even a child or teenager who hasn’t learned them yet). Don’t confuse poor wording with poor intent or with being incapable of resolution. Meet the communication level, not the frustration level.
FINALLY: FOLLOW THIS PROCESS
Here’s how to get through conflict with resolution as an intent, not “being right”.
- Narrow the Problem
Focus on one issue. Just one. And it may not be your side of it – trust you will get a turn.
If you say, “I don’t like when you X,” and they reply, “Well I don’t like when you Y,”—you’re now arguing about Y while pretending to fix X. One issue at a time. Period.
- Validate Before You Try To Resolve
Before anyone solves anything, both sides must feel heard. Not “I get it, but…”—that’s fake empathy.
Repeat back or paraphrase what they said. Literally. Like: “So what you’re saying is…”
Do this before you state your case and continue to repeat until you understand and they agree that you understand. You can’t skip this step even if you are 100% sure you understand their point!
- Solve (With One of These Five Options)
Here’s more good news – there aren’t a million ways to solve a disagreement. Paying attention to this is a key point to move forward. There are five options:
Option 1: Win-Win: Everyone gets what they want. You can come up with a new solution that satisfies everybody (if you didn’t narrow and validate, this is close to impossible).
Option 2: Compromise: Each party gets most of what they want. Not perfect yet now you not only get most of what you want, but you understand why the other person’s position.
Option 3: One Way: We do it your way (or my way). The key here is the difference between acceptance and tolerance. If I accept? Even if I didn’t get what I want, I can make a new plan accepting our solution. If I tolerate? I agree to the solution, but I am upset about it. That starts resentment.
Option 4: Wait: We both agree to pause and revisit it. A key here is to define when we are going to reengage. One of us storms off and never brings it up again? That’s stonewalling (part 2).
Option 5: No Way: We’re just not doing it. We’re agreeing to leave things the way they are. Acceptance vs tolerance again – If both parties accept that—fine. If one tolerates it? Again, resentment .
- Plan: It’s important to figure out the next Most people get here and quit. “We talked, we’re fine now.”
WHAT IF IT DOESN’T WORK?
Start by asking: Did you follow the steps? Was there a breakdown during validation, planning,or adjustment? There are three main reasons why it still may not work. First, it might not be conflict at all—it could be abuse or bullying, which involves an imbalance of power, repetition, and the intent to cause harm. Second, you may be dealing with a personality disorder. Somewhere between 9–15% of the population meets criteria for a diagnosable disorder (and cluster B types like narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, and histrionic are notorious for making conflict impossible to resolve). These individuals often create chaos rather than seeking solutions. In that case, your job isn’t resolution—it’s managing the drama. Lastly, if what’s happening involves violence or abuse—whether it’s physical, emotional, verbal, or neglect—then it’s not about resolution.
The next steps are safety, self-defense, and law enforcement. In short, if resolution fails, check the process first—but if it’s not about conflict, don’t treat it that way.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION WRAP UP
Conflict is inevitable, but how we handle it determines whether it builds relationships or burns bridges. Throughout this guide, we’ve covered why conflict resolution matters—not just for reducing drama, but for saving time, money, and sanity.
Understanding the “Four P’s” of conflict—process, preference, perception, and pressure—helps you slow down and identify what’s really going on before reacting. That alone can keep you from going down the wrong road. But identifying the problem is only step one.
The real transformation happens when someone decides to break the bad conflict cycle. That’s when the skills need to be used: narrow, validate, solve, plan, adjust. These are tools for leadership, personal growth, better relationships, and team trust. Bad conflict creates distance. Good conflict creates growth.
Dr. Greg Moody graduated from Arizona State University, with a degree in engineering, a Master’s Degree in Counseling, and a Ph.D. in Special Education and Psychology. An 8th Degree Black Belt, a serial entreprener, and a licensed psychotherapist, he speaks and writes on education, curriculum development, business, marketing, and martial arts. Dr. Moody has been a part of the Go2 Karate team for many years and is passionate about helping school owners grow. Whether it’s a marketing platform, online marketing, becoming an author, or creating
a business roadmap, he is always there to assist those within the martial arts community.
- Adjust: Don’t wait until someone forgets to take out the trash (again) and you’re ready to declare emotional bankruptcy. Talk about it in advance. What happens when it goes sideways? Plan for it to be ok. “What do we do if this falls apart?” Can we remind each other? Can we agree to revisit
it without blaming? Do we have a monthly team meeting? A Sunday check-in?
If you miss this step, your resolution isn’t stable.
THE BENEFITS OF GOOD CONFLICT
Remember good conflict builds relationships and teamwork:
- Restores trust
- Grows connection
- Reduces stress
- Boosts self-awareness
- Builds long-term skills (for life, not just work)
You want high-performing teams, successful partnerships, happy marriages? Learn to resolve conflict. Not avoid it. Not de-escalate, resolve.